I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
