you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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