I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I wannas sexs uuuuu
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
