I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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