i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
