I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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