I feel great
I just peed on a car
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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