Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
