did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
