I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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