Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
