I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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