i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He passed out mid-signature
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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