Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
