hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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