You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
