a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
