Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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