I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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