I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
