i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
