you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
