So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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