I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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