I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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