if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
