a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
