i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I am available for nakedness
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
