A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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