think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
