Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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