apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
