Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
