i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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