I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
