So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
