Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
