singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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