I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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