i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
