I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
