there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
