Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
