did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
