just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
