She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
