The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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