even my farts smell like vagina
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
