I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
