is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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